(the following is the sketch comedy infomercial I come up with while writing last week’s post. Imagine it being said by Billy Mays as a priest.)
Billy Mays here. Now I know what you’re thinking, “what do you want padre, to make me feel guilty and scare me about hell or confess something about alter boys?”You’ve heard the same old song and dance about sin and damnation for years. So today, instead of the same old Catholic gloom and doom, I’m here to tell you about an exciting new version of this ancient faith.
Introducing, Vatican 3!
What’s Vatican 3? Well, just how Vatican 2 softened some the church’s strictest rules and customs, Vatican 3 is going to chillax us one step closer to cool.
But how? Well, you all know confession, right? In Vatican 3, the confessional has been replaced by the Bragging Booth! Priests will great you and ask to hear about all the awesome stuff you’ve done lately. And rather than Hail Mary’s and genuflection, we’re giving out cool prizes!
Help some across the street?
Get a candy bar!
Save someone from a burning building?
You’ll spend the day with Tim Tebow!
Tired of the same old bread and wine at communion? Vatican 3 offers a number options, including flat bread, naan, pitas, and gluten free communion bread as well as a full bar of holy spirits. An Alabama Slammer made with Holy Amaretto, you say? I can’t wait for it to transubstantiate!
On top of these awesome changes, we are going to build on Vatican 2’s tradition of bring the word of God to the common man. Whereas Vatican 2 no longer required that mass be performed in Latin, we are now going to offer the entire Bible as 144 character Tweets.
“Life in captivity. Yawn. No bows or prayers for a false God. Nebuchadnezzar can deal.
Visions of a Messiah, for real. ” -The Book of Daniel
Need more? Well, our Vatican 3 Priests would love to talk to you about this exciting new version of Catholicism at one of our Church’s open house pool parties! That’s right, we’re trading in our frocks for sunblock! Our Nuns will be lifeguarding, our bishops manning the grill, and you can bet that the priests will start up a chicken fight before the night’s over
We know you haven’t gone to church for years, unless it’s Christmas and your parents make you. But we promise, if you give Vatican 3 a chance, you will not be disappointed. We are so confident that you will love our new church that all offerings and tithes come with a 30-day money back guarantee. We put the savings in salvation!
So what are you waiting for? Check out one of our open houses today!
Second to Nun!
(Paid for by The Pope Francis council for bitchin’ churches.)