Changing the Changer

Alarm ClockAs I write this, it’s mostly to burn off nervous energy. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few days, and I need to process. I mention it here, because I think it gets at the heart and soul of what Counseling is.

Counseling is change. And change is determined by you.

This is easy to accept on its face, but think about it. What I’m saying is this; you can be sexually abused from the day you were born. You could be burnt out and brain-fried from every bad decision and amphetamine out there. You can lose everything and everyone in your life and my message to you will be this- If you want to get better, its on you to pick yourself up. People like me, we’re here to make sure that change sticks. With that in mind, I’m owning my own mess.

I’m seeing how I relate to the world around me in a new way. I’m finally asking for feedback from those close to me, and they’ve all been telling me the same thing.

They can’t see me through the defenses I’ve put up.

As much as i hate to admit it, I’m a person that hides. I hide behind excuses. I hide behind professional facades and clinical monotones. Worst of all, I hide from my own feelings and my own fear, and because of that  I left the people that cared about me two states and a timezone away.

Counseling is change, and change is on me. This time, that means opening up, so here I am.

I’m scared. I’m fighting a ticking clock and a mountain of debt to try and do something I may not be able to do. I’m scared that if I drop my defenses for an instant I’ll drown in a sea of my own emotional chaos. If I’m going to get where I need to go, there’s a lot more I’ll need to own.

And you know what? That doesn’t mean I’m not a good counselor or a good person. Counseling is change, and if the changer can’t change themselves, can they do anything at all?